Almost nine years later and...

Nothing has changed—no, wait, everything has gotten worse. I started blogging in 2013, mainly as a writing exercise, but also because I found it therapeutic to clear my mind of the random thoughts that seemed to constantly spin there. Up to January 2017, I had been blogging regularly. I stopped. For one thing, while most of my blogs were boring and for my own amusement, they were not all the same single thought. If I continued to blog, they would be. Suddenly, the only thought filling my waking hours was I want to go home! 

This blog, published in June 2017 explains why I couldn't write anymore. It's also quite scary to go back and read it today it's still relevant. Then in 2021 we started a four-year respite during which my life, and the state of things in the US, changed considerably for the better, despite COVID. I retired and started writing again. Though I didn't blog as much, I spent most of my time writing. I wrote and published eight novels. 

But in the past year, writing once again became very difficult until finally it is beginning to feel impossible. The realization suddenly hit me. It's exactly the way I felt back in 2017. My body is gripped by a feeling of being trapped in hell, and my mind is constantly fighting panic. For two weeks I've been sitting at my computer attempting to write an outline for my next novel. The bare bones of the plot are in my head, but only a few paragraphs have made it to the page so far. No matter how hard I attempt to concentrate, the only words I come up with are: What awful thing is going to happen next? and, It can't get any worse, can it? And then it does. Those thoughts are not about my imaginary characters and their world, they are about the people around me and our world.

Last October, my husband and I took part in a No Kings rally. I blogged about that here. That experience gave me a small boost, made me realize the entire country is not yet rotten, though I have to admit, we did see some of the rot roar past us in hyped up pickup trucks. On March 28 of this year there will be another No Kings rally and we will once again attend. I am hopeful that will jog me out of my panic and allow me to bury myself in my writing.

Since my 2017 blog post, referenced above—I highly recommend you read it—the only thing that's changed is everything is worse now, back then, I expressed a determination to stand tall and keep going. I tried, though I only managed to write a few posts in the four years that followed. Now, I'll cross my fingers and try again. What other choice do I have?